My Blog

Up for Interpretation

 

I talk about the lizard brain a lot because I deal with my own lizard brain a lot.  

 

Imagine struggling with anxiety and depression for most of your life only to learn in some cases, it's a maladapted evolutionary glitch.  The lizard brain thinks of every possible disastrous outcome possible and somehow convinces us that is what will come to pass.  We whittle our lives away worrying about events that will never happen.  In the end, anxiety is a waste of imagination.  

 

But it's not so much the lizard brain and the anxiety it can create as it is what we do with it.  We can look at it with deep compassion, thank it for trying to keep us safe, and let it know we are going to ship anyway.  We can make the conscious effort to push forward on the very thing it wants us to postpone, delay, ignore and ultimately not complete. 

 

Sometimes the ancient trigger that once gave our ancestors an indicator that something was wrong is just a sign that something is of meaning or significance to us, or perhaps even an opportunity for growth.  It's all up to us to weave the story that we will tell ourselves.  Everything is up for interpretation.  

 

All That Glitters...

 

The beauty about time, is that it reveals everything eventually.  Guise, pretense, masks-- time will always strip away the veneer.  Nothing is immune.  It unveils without fail in the end.  As is such, time and circumstance not only expose who we truly are, but what we have surrounded ourselves with and ultimately, who we have granted access to us. 

 

The 2008 election was a stunning reality check in a not-so-post-racial-but-allegedly-post-racial-America.  People that dropped the n-word would wide-eyed, hand placed on their chest earnestly proclaim, "I'm not a racist!"  Evolution has taught us to seek the center.  To stay safe in the middle.  We know that racism is bad, yet turn a blind eye when it comes to ourselves.  

 

We deceive ourselves before we try to deceive anybody else.

 

And that is the rub.  Just like people who drop the n-word claiming that they aren't racist, toxic people will never see their own toxicity.  They will seek the center. 

 

People will say they are for you.  They will cheer you on and tell you that they want you to succeed.  And they do...they just don't want you to do better than them.  Then the sabotage begins.  The potshots at your progress.  The backhanded compliments and passive aggressive comments.  People say it is a lonely road to the top.  Most wouldn't really know that because most are too afraid to let go, find too much comfort in familiarity, rationalize their way into permitting poison a seat at their own table, and ultimately never find their way out of mediocrity.  

 

Give it time.  Time reveals everything.  It will make known those who are gold, and those that are merely gold-plated.

 

When Evolutionary Success is a Double-Edged Sword

 

Being about to anticipate danger or react the fastest is likely a contributing factor to how we all got here.  If you could outrun the saber tooth tiger, you got to pass on your genes.  Those that weren't fast enough did not. 

 

The pre-historic, primal part of our brain still exists.  What gave us an edge millions of years ago cuts our legs out from under us now.  Seth Godin calls it the "lizard brain."  The lizard brain wants you to stay quiet, safe.  Hidden.  Unseen.  Out of danger so that you can avoid becoming a tiger snack and survive.  The lizard brain speaks orders of magnitude louder than our modern brain ever could.  It doesn't respond to logic or reason (would you try to reason with an alligator?) and it will never be satiated by any amount of reassurance.  

 

It's the voice that tells you that no one cares what you have to say, that you have nothing new to contribute to the world, nothing to offer.  Or the voice that says, "See?  No one is listening.  Just stop while you're ahead." so instead of pushing through the dip on your way to becoming great, you become stuck in mediocrity.  The lizard brain traps us into logic that ultimately creates self-fulfilling prophesies over and over again.  Yes, if you give up, you'll always be mediocre.  

 

The lizard brain helped us survive.  It is what contributed to our evolutionary success.  But in the post-industrial economy which will reward those of us who are the bravest, the most generous, the linchpins that dive head first into the emotional labor which is what the connection economy will require, the lizard brain is a well-versed saboteur.  It's had millennia to come up with reasons to hide, excuses to stall, never-ending quests for reassurance.  In a certain sense, what at one point gave us life threatens to snuff out our light hundreds of thousands of years later.  

 

Lost in the Dark

The news of Kate Spade and then Anthony Bourdain hit hard.  It hit hard for a number of reasons, and the tone-deaf "if you're depressed, please reach out" auto-response that most are stuck on was one of them.  

 

Most people don't know what it is like to wrestle in the deep, deep dark with their demons, with themselves.  It's not something that can be explained to those who are unwilling to hear.  That's the unfortunate truth, it's not the topic (although in some cases, it is), it's that listening is an acquired skill that most don't bother to acquire.  

 

With depression comes shame, a reinforced helplessness; it's a vicious cycle that feeds on itself and only gains momentum with each cycle.  The thoughts grow darker and with passing time, even the thought of taking your own life becomes familiar and a source of comfort.  People who struggle with depression are literally lost in the dark.  We set them up to fail by putting the onus on them.  In a world filled with zero-sum games, harsh judgement and swift punishments for those who don't fit in, assimilate and play the game, it's completely unreasonable to expect people who are struggling to 'reach out.'    

 

There Is No Justice

Brock Turner was found sexually assaulting an unconscious young woman. When approached by two students who intervened because they thought the woman appeared unconscious, he fled the scene and was subsequently apprehended and restrained by the pair until the police arrived. Turner was later convicted of three charges of felony sexual assault. And then sentenced to 6 months confinement. He only served three. 

 

This is why I advocate women should train a martial art or become proficient with some kind of weapon. Her only shot at justice may very well be to break an arm, choke him out or stab him in the eye. Because if the worst happens and a woman looks to our criminal justice sysyem to deliver justice, the unfortunate truth is that they're going to be bitterly disappointed. 

 

People Speak From Their Own Experience (and limitations)

Sometimes people will act as if their experience define the confines under which you have to limit your own scope and experience. It's an apple that falls not too far from the "it's always been done this way" mentality.  And that is the kind of limited thinking gets us all in trouble. 

Just Because the World Needs Tools Doesn't Mean You Need to Be One

 

If the system sets you up to fail, why comply with it?

 

If you know that games in life are zero-sum, why participate?  

 

If you know there are people in your like that want you to fail, why are they still there?  

 

Steven Pressfield calls it "The Resistance."  Seth Godin refers to it as the "lizard brain."  It wants us to hide.  To not be seen.  To play it safe.  And so we buy the bullshit.  We sabotage ourselves.  We hide our gifts.  

 

And we also end up with empty lives filled with regret.  Just because the world needs tools doesn't mean you need to be one. 

 

 

 

Not Everyone Likes You (and not everyone matters)

 

People embarrass themselves by overestimating their importance.   They presume their acceptance means something, as if their opinion carried enough gravity for its absence to even be noticeable.  What's worse?  Some of us fall for it.  

 

Some might ask: Do you want their acceptance?  The better question to ask is: Why does it matter?  

 

Remnants of tribalism are etched into our psyches after thousands of years of evolution .  Thousands of years ago, if you weren't accepted by the group, ostracism truly was a death sentence. 

 

Now, it just means that you've got one less asshole in your life to contend with.  We're humans.  Acceptance is nice to have, but fortunately no longer required for life.  Not everybody is going to like you.  But not everybody matters.  

 

Liberation

 

"Hard times will always reveal true friends."

 

For months, shit blew up.  And when I thought it couldn't get any worse, something else would go wrong.  A bottom I didn't even know existed dropped out.  From someone dying of a heroin overdose to my home being threatened with foreclosure, bawling my eyes out was a daily occurrence.  For months.  Perpetual heartbreak.  Never ending despair.  I had lost all hope.  

 

Going through difficult times is hard even with friends for support.  But imagine going it alone.  To be fair, I had a couple people that but were it not for them, I probably would have pulled the trigger on the loaded gun I was putting to my head almost nightly.  My life had fallen apart.  And in the midst of it I came to realize people I had been bending over backwards for this whole time, wouldn't bother to lift a finger for me.   

 

It took some time, but here's the truth: 

These people, as it turns out, weren't really my friends.  I hadn't been let down-- I had been set free.

 

F*ck The Jones' (and the poor bastards that try to keep up with them)

 

There is an unspoken checklist of things we are supposed to do, ways in which we are to carry on about our lives.  There is an unspoken assumption that if you obey, if you color within the lines, if you comply and do as you're told, this will protect you from calamity.  

 

I'm here to tell you that is complete, utter bullshit.  

 

The internet is a wonderful playground.  Everyone is trying pretend like they've got it all together.  Their lives are fairytales and nothing bad ever happens.  They've colored within the lines like the good people that they are making themselves out to be, and now look at how wonderfully mundane their life is!  

 

Somewhere along the line, your voice got baked out of you.  Because this is what society is built upon-- compliance.  Not individuality.  Not people thinking for themselves.  Not people who have a voice that stood out from the masses.  And now, we find ourselves in the post-industrial economy, shocked, stunned, scared.  Silent.  

 

People you'll meet in life, some of them are well-meaning and others, sociopaths will tell you that the best thing you can do is comply.  They'll tell you that you have no other choice but to take the pay cut or take the shitty job.  

 

Let me tell you something-- this is your life, it belongs to YOU.  You absolutely have a choice.  

 

A few years ago, I received notice that my contract was not going to be renewed at my place of employment.  I was also waiting to hear back if I had received a fellowship.  When the news came that I had received the fellowship, my joy was blown out of the sky by the realization that it would come with a significant pay cut in addition to having to move to Chicago.  I sat at my co-worker's desk and cried.  She said flatly, "Well, you'll just have to find a way to make it work."  

 

No, actually, I don't.  I am not a supplicant in the story of my own life. 

 

You know what else?  Neither are you.    

 

The world we live in is cleverly designed.  If you are separated from yourself, you will be much easier to conquer.  If conditioned to look outward, to seek approval from others, to attempt to impress people you don't even like, to seek to consume or purchase something every time you are faced with an issue instead of facing it, you'll be much easier to control and manipulate.  We find ourselves on a never-ending hamster wheel for the rest of our lives.  And in some cases, deeply unhappy, anxious, empty and riddled with depression. 

 

In some ways, it makes sense.  How can we self-soothe when we can't even hear our own voice?  We're told what to think, what to buy, who to love, what to accept, how to dress, the order of events that are to play out in our life without ever being consulted if it's something we might even want.  But we choke it down anyway.  Isn't this supposed to make us happy?  Are we not doing it right?  Why isn't it working? 

 

We have been overriding our own instincts our whole lives.  We continually put the things that truly bring us joy and make us come alive on the back burner so we can sit at a desk and do the mundane bullshit that slowly kills us.  

 

Why are we doing this to ourselves?  Why are we throwing our lives away?  Because this is the "natural" order of life?  Because it's what we're "supposed" to do?  Because some condescending, mouth breathing twit is telling us we need to compete and keep up with the Jones'?  Fuck the Jones'.   

 

If you lived in a desert and your life was dependent on a well, you wouldn't tolerate someone putting even one drop of poison into the well, would you?  "Oh, well...it takes 50 drops before it actually becomes harmful."  No, fuck that.  You aren't going to 'wait and see,' throw some excuses around, "Well, maybe they're just having a bad day."  No. 

 

People who drill holes in your boat, who sew seeds of self-doubt, who make snide little comments here and there have got to go.  Now.  Audit your circle.  Trust me, if the bottom falls out and you need help scraping a mortgage payment together, these people not only will be nowhere to be found, they'll take great pleasure in your struggle.  

 

When people who seek to stifle your voice spew their disempowering bullshit, they'll often do it with authority.  They think they're being rational and reasonable by encouraging you to fall in line and "follow the rules," but really they're just afraid.  Don't stand out.  Don't take a risk, otherwise you might die!   They often begin by assuming familiarity and taking a parental tone.  They will swoop in, stifle your voice, talk over you if you try to object, drop a couple subtle put downs, and like a cult leader will act as if they have access to knowledge that you don't, that they know what's best.  

 

They do not know best.  Let's repeat that for those in the back: 

 

They do not know what's best.

 

And the truth of the matter is, nobody knows what is best better than you.  

 

These people have spent the past 5, 10, 20 years fucking it all up and they're terrified that they're wrong.  So they'll try to clip your wings if they see you attempting to fly.  In most cases, it's not personal.  It's just that most people are unable to face their own mediocrity.  

 

Your minutes on this earth are running out.  Don't let your life expire because of some fuckwit filled with fear and doubt.  Do whatever it takes to protect your voice, your hopes, your dreams, your life.  Don't be 'nice'.   Be militant about it.  Why?  Because this is the only shot you will ever have at this life.  It is precious.  It is worth preserving and protecting.  

 

Because I can promise you at the end of your life, the people telling you to sabotage your own life won't be there to hold your hand during your last days.  And the Jones'?   They will be too busy on their eternal hamster wheel to attend the funeral.